Musicals are horrible, torturous things. In fact I’d like to see them banned. Who could possibly gain actual enjoyment from the very thing that brought Andrew Lloyd Webber and his inside out face to our screens? Who, when watching a play or television programme or film thinks to themselves.. you know what would make this better? The protagonist bursting into an uplifting song every fucking five minutes. People must think that. These people have to exist, because musicals keep happening and people keep going to them and I think possibly some of them might even enjoy it. The entire thing beggars belief.

The musical is essentially a shit story punctuated by the shrill screech of a too-large gathering of stage school children in torn clothing. No matter what the subject matter, the children (who appear in all musicals without exception because someone somewhere likes to see children performing) are deliriously upbeat throughout the whole ordeal. In the Sound of Music, the worst of the lot, they are being chased by Nazis. You’d think that might wipe the smug smiles off of their undersized faces. But they just keep on singing and dancing and tapping their horrible little feet. It’s enough to make you retch.

P.S. The tickets to your average West End musical cost about fifty quid, because being entertained in London is bone-crunchingly expensive. They do this so that real London folk don’t bother trying to enjoy such horrors and head straight to the pub instead. Fifty quid coincidentally is enough to get yourself vehhhhrry vehhhhrry drunk.

Probably isn’t

– Essex

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